Day 21 (14): Maybe Don't Read This Post

a.k.a. Almost Nothing About Costa Rica in This Post

a.k.a. Rest Leads to Overthinking

a.k.a. Is It Oversharing If It's Your Blog?

a.k.a. I Almost Deleted All of This

The title I landed on probably is counter-productive.

Ran today! It was ok. I should probably drink some more water, I feel a little dehydrated still. But that is ok.

So, if you're here for Costa Rica updates, this post isn't worth reading. We rested and watched some movies and prayed and worshiped and bonded today. This post will probably come across like a bunch of word vomit, but will give some insight into my brain and heart, I guess. People seem to be into that sometimes, though I don't usually like what I find when I look.

As I mentioned, I've been thinking more about the idea of team and team dynamics recently. Some of that comes from watching the Lagos and the church here, some comes from being on our little team, some comes from watching Jesus pick the disciples in The Chosen, lol, and some just comes from my brain.

A big blessing in my life is the opportunity to have been on a lot of really good teams. I've been (and currently am) a part of some amazing HG leadership teams. I love getting to work together to achieve a goal. Especially when that goal is loving people and being part of God advancing his Kingdom in people's hearts. I don't believe humans are designed to be able to do things on their own. I believe God made us to need each other. Whether it's a little team, like a marriage, or a big team; people seem incomplete, like pieces of a body (whoa, creative metaphor). 

And yet, I don't like the idea of being on a team or needing help. I view myself as fairly independent. I think some of that is straight-up cultural; I am from Texas, after all. I think some of it is pride; I don't like to be seen as needing help. I think some of it is a gift; my parents raised us to be grounded and not entitled. I think some of it is a strength; I'm pretty well-rounded and can generally do things pretty well on my own, or be content with something less-than-ideal when I can't. 

Beyond independence, what I think I value is freedom. I rather enjoy being able to move about on my own. When I was little, roller-blading represented freedom for me, and I spent hours and hours skating all over the area of Austin we lived in. Then, I learned how to drive and that was a whole new level of mobility. When I took my first roadtrip across state lines, I felt like I could have driven forever. My girlfriend and friends on the trip had to conspire against me to get me out of the driver's seat, and I felt quite upset for the rest of the trip (I didn't know why at the time, but it felt like freedom being taken away from me). The times I've driven to Colorado or to Miami have been so much fun, even though it literally entails just sitting still for 16, 18, 20 hours. And running also felt like freedom; the ability to just go anywhere I wanted, using my own two feet. (John 21:18 is a scary verse to me).

I get claustrophobic pretty easily. I don't like feeling trapped or stuck - physically, circumstantially, emotionally, whatever. I also really don't like hospitals, because they feel like sickness or injury and remind me that some day I'll either get injured or old and won't be able to move myself around at my leisure anymore.

So, that to say, the flexibility and freedom that come with my current life are deeply appealing to me. I guess everyone lives the tension between freedom/flexibility and responsibility/stability. I feel a strong desire to be useful and part of something bigger than myself, but I love the flexibility and freedom that come of being an individual, rather than a team.

(I'm currently drinking water, so don't worry)

The staff team I'm on is amazing. Both on the church level, and on the cluster level, I've been blessed with a chance to work alongside some amazing people. Yet, my instinct is to view us as a loosely-connected group of individuals, working in our own spheres, while having each other to turn to for support or aid when needed. That's a kind of team, but I think a less interconnected team than some might desire. I can't tell yet how much of that comes from a prideful self-reliance and how much comes from just being shaped differently. You see, I'm quite willing to change who and how I am when it's shown to be wrong. But I also see in myself the willingness to sacrifice who I am for what others want past the point of what is healthy. And, in the last few years, I feel I've better come to understand better what pieces of me are Me and what pieces of me are just chaff and what pieces of me are deeply broken. I don't always love what I find in myself, but I don't want to throw away the things that make me uniquely me. 

All that to say, when I think of things like, forming a hypothetical church-plant team, I get squirmy on the inside. Partially because I don't feel a substantial calling from the Lord towards anything, partially because the idea of being on a team feels restricting, partially because I fear being part of the wrong team and having Who I Am be at irreconcilable odds with others. 

All this exists as a different question in my mind even than the question of Leadership and Responsibility. And separate from my decades-old fear of wasting my life and missing my path. I won't talk about the former, but I could probably go in for a rant on the latter. 

Is all this a matter of trust? God pulled together the perfect team for our Costa Rica trip (both 1-week and 5-week). God's done so many things in my life that I don't expect, but I also believe he leads us to where we should be. But can we miss it? If I don't do it right, can I miss our on the fullness of God's plan for me? Sometimes I wonder if I've already missed it and if some of my choices have disqualified me for ministry in the way I had hoped. There's a lot of things I regret. I know as believers, we aren't "supposed" to have regrets and are "supposed" to believe God is the one who maps out a path for us. But, can we miss it? Can we make choices that cause him to redirect our path and (though it still ultimately fits in his grand plan) lead to us having less impact than we could? I think my official answer, and what I'd definitely say to any students that asked me the same, is that we can't disrupt God's plans for our lives and that it's silly and a little bit prideful to think we can. I once had a friend say to me, "Sam, you're in desperate need of an ego check if you think you can hurt me more deeply than God can fix." But, when the person who says that to you later stops pursuing the Lord, you have to ask some questions about sovereignty and faith and millstones and things like that.

Ultimately, I can only trust in God and do my best, and I think that has to be enough.

If you want to do a fun exercise, hit ctrl+f and type I. I've said it a lot in this post so far. There's a Princess Diaries reference in there somewhere.

Anyway, I'm mostly thinking of this in the context of ministry and mission and team and church-planting and what contribution my life will have in the Kingdom of God. As I've read back over it, I wonder if you'll have been reading into it a subtext of perspective on romantic relationship. That's like the deepest, most intense teamwork there is. Maybe you haven't been and I'm just wondering that because sometimes I get paranoid that everyone looks at my life and asks, "why isn't he married yet?" Something about college culture, American culture, southern culture, and Christian culture. It feels like the correct, default setting is to be married, specifically in your 20's, and if you exist outside of that norm, your life needs explanation. I think some people chalk it up to emotional immaturity or unprocessed hurt. I've had some people directly say and more imply that they think I'm asexual or something along that line. Maybe I shouldn't say all that here, maybe I'll delete all this. A lot of people will assure me that I don't need to worry. I think it's generally assumed that if you're single, you're sad and frustrated and lonely. Though that also implies that married people aren't those things.

This almost turned into apologetics or an encomium for my life, but I don't really want that. It's just meant as a caveat.

So, all this to say: I really love my team here and feel they are a blessing from the Lord. I also don't know what team should look like in my life or, really, what my life will look like. I occasionally have thought I knew what it would become, but it always turns and changes. 

PRAYER:

- we start back up tomorrow with the big kids!

- for our team to be healthy and handle any conflict we have well

- for us to make the most of our opportunities here and never "phone it in"