Costa Rica 2021 for Sam

Most things in life seem to, after intense machinations and complicated thought and analysis, boil down to fairly simple conclusions. Sitting on the floor in a room in my parents' house, after a day of napping and playing with my niece, I think I may have some from my time in Costa Rica.

The whole time I was in Costa Rica, something felt weird. I touched on it a few times in previous posts, but summarizing it: Playing with kids and teaching them simple tasks felt like I wasn't doing enough. These kids have so much happening in their lives. So we played Uno. And the college students we spent time with have been isolated from the world around them for almost a year. So we played telephone pictionary. And the whole time, I'm spending time in 1 John 4, reading over and over about God's love. And the whole time, we're reading and acting stories from Jesus' life. And the whole time, we're watching the portrayal of Jesus' life in The Chosen. 

I've said before that all of our walk with God consists of Tensions between various Truths that we Wrestle with God about (more capital letters, please). I think the urgency I feel and the burning desire to make a difference in the time I have is important and good. I think the church at large has lost a lot of her urgency and that one day we will answer to God for it.

However. In Costa Rica, I believe God was calling me to a deeper understanding of Childlike Faith and Love (Lesson 1). It clicked today as I just sat and watched my niece live her life. She may be confused and upset sometimes when things don't go her way, but I think that's because she genuinely believes this world is meant for her good and her joy. Even when she's upset, it's from a place of faith that the people she's directing her complaint to care about her. 

For the kids at the CDI, in good moments, everything had the potential to be fueled by Joy. Learning was fun. Praying and reading the Bible was fun. It made me think about the commands in Scripture to be Joyful always. *insert again here the counter-point of this tension, that it is good to be sad and serious and it deepens our souls* That Truth doesn't negate this one. It seems that our culture draws a line. Children are happy and play and have joy. Adults are serious and cynical and a little sad. The sadness of children is almost always ready to break into happiness. The happiness of adults is always tinged with sadness. We tend to scorn or look down on happiness as being ignorant, or we judge those people and think, "they just haven't really experienced the world."

But, if we believe that there is a good God who is in control of everything and loves us and is working for our Best, shouldn't our Joy just deepen throughout our lives? Sorrow also deepens as we experience loss and hurt, but do we really believe that God is in control and winning? That balance made me think of a quote from... sigh... Lord of the Rings,

 

Pippin glanced in some wonder at the face now close beside his own, for the sound of that laugh had been gay and merry. Yet in the wizard's face he saw at first only lines of care and sorrow; though as he looked more intently he perceived that under all there was a great joy: a fountain of mirth enough to set a kingdom laughing, were it to gush forth.

And though I feel the urgency to push and try harder and do more and give my absolute everything to see God's Kingdom advance, Love is enough. We can just do our best to love God and love people. That's all we're asked to do. And yes, that will probably mean hard work and hurt hearts and mistakes and complex thought and analysis...but if we lose the simplicity of it in all the complexity, we've lost the important part *insert 1 Corinthians 13*

I still don't understand a lot of things. I still struggle with the American Church's idea of what Sabbath means and what Sustainability means and what Balance and Health and Boundaries mean. But, it's ok that I don't understand those things yet. My mandate is to pursue love relationship with God and love the people around me. I can pursue God, live openly in community, love and serve those around me, listen humbly to the Lord and others, and figure things out as I go. 

So, there's my big first thought from Costa Rica: Love God and People with a Childlike Faith and Love. Groundbreaking, right?

The second thing is a little more personal and a little less spiritual-sounding, though it deals with Truth and Lies and Love and Insecurity, so I'll share it. This is just something that I came to understand in Costa Rica.

Over the years, I've had a series of moments where the Lord has shown me lies I believe about myself, which allows me to try to fight for the Truth.

Some lies God has shown me I believe:

- God doesn't love me

- If I let people close to me, I will hurt them and they will leave me because I am a bad thing

- My value comes from my usefulness

I actually almost just erased this lesson right now and skipped to the next one. "After all, it's not really about the Costa Rica trip, and they will think this is stupid." And even now, I'm typing all this with half a mind to delete it. I'll filibuster. This late after the trip, people probably won't even read this, right?

The thing about the lies we believe, is that we believe them for a reason. We aren't just crazy and making stuff up. And, the enemy loves to use us to reinforce each others' lies. If me being short with a friend can lead them to doubt their value, or a movie I choose for us to watch can trigger a hurt or bad memory in someone, the devil loves that. For most of the lies I've wrestled with (both in the list above, and not mentioned), I've had other Christians (young and mature), during the times I am wrestling (sometimes even in response to me sharing the Lie), tell me it's true. Sometimes nonverbally, sometimes verbally. 

Anyway. A lie that I believe, that the Lord showed my heart in Costa Rica, is this:

- Other people don't want to hear about my pain, because my pain doesn't matter. (Lesson 2)

If you are reading this, please don't feel the need to address this in the comments or text or anything. I know it's not true and you care and stuff, I just don't actually believe it. I'm already pregretting posting this, maybe I won't.

The thing about this lie, is that it creates a cycle. I fear people don't want to hear about anything that hurts me. I immediately rationalize away things that hurt me. I convince myself they don't hurt. Then I don't share them. And if people ask, I reassure them that I'm good. I give very careful explanation to show how thoroughly unhurt I am. So, people see me as not having any pain. That leads them to resent me a little (sometimes subconsciously). I think that leads people to want to be able to have effect on my life, so they poke to look for soft spots, signs of real human life. But if those pokes hurt, I convince myself they don't and try very hard to show I'm not hurt. Best way is to joke about it. But then when people laugh, or joke back, it just deepens that belief that the pain is silly. Rinse and repeat.

I've had a really blessed life. There's lots of suffering in the world that I have 0 understanding of. And most of the things that do hurt me are kinda my fault. I don't know though when that means I should not complain and just get tougher, and when that means I should be honest about my pain. Probably should do both. Idk, it's unexplored territory. What's unmerited self-pity, and what's healthy vulnerability?

The other big thing I think I learned is one I've already written about, and that's the idea of Team. 

I know God has made us to operate in community, in team, in relationship. I also think that the way I'm made (both in strength and weakness) favors independence and agility over connection, support, and stability (Lesson 3). 

It'd be easy to misinterpret that and decide to try to exist outside of team, just do stuff by myself. But, that's not how God has called us to live, and not the circumstance he's led me into. I don't know still what the balance of that should be in my life, but I think I should invest in the teams I'm on, until/unless God brings me to a place where I feel like I fit. I won't go on the long rant about this that I did in my previous post. 

Costa Rica this year was a real joy to me. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I want more. I want to partner better and more deeply with this church.